Monthly 'plague' strikes male athletes

An unforeseen epidemic has been sweeping across our campus in recent weeks. The devastating effects of this outbreak supersede that of any on record, including typhoid, cholera, "the plague" and even gingivitis.

Approximately every four weeks, this sinister disease is seemingly targeting a select group of the student body, forcing them to behave just like blossoming, imbalanced 13-year-old girls. It pains me to say this, but apparently some of our male athletes are now experiencing their first periods.

This monthly affliction was previously thought to be unique to females, but now we know better. Just last week, two baseball players, Lonnie Chisenhall and Nick Fuller, showcased what male PMS can drive one to do.

Instead of getting ornery with their girlfriends or crying after sex, they allegedly chose to break into the athletics department facilities and steal computers, money and 20 Clay Aiken CDs.

Unfor-tunately, this was not the first case in which Pamprin could have prevented a catastrophe. Early last month, both future star quarterback Stephen Garcia and his flowing hair were arrested and charged with drunkenness, alluding police and overall bitchiness.

Sadly, Garcia's hormonal misdeeds did not end with only one unlawful indiscretion. After his earlier breakdown, he then somehow confused the side of a professor's car for a scratch-and-sniff perfume sampler.

Meanwhile, our female contenders have exhibited the golden standard of what Gamecock athletics should embody. Their discipline and evolutionary adaptation with that "time of the month" has allowed them to achieve nominal success in sports, while also honorably representing our school off the field.

Until these delinquent male athletes mirror the exceptional performance of the women, coaches should require them to either attend menstrual counseling or transfer them to the women's Frisbee team.

There is one scenario I must mention, even though its mere possibility is enough to cause cardiac arrest or spontaneous incontinence. What if this rash of male PMS spreads with symptoms occurring simultaneously? Legend has it, that if these guys spend an inordinate amount of time together, their periods could eventually become mysteriously synchronized.

Scenes of a citywide rampage are now flashing before my mind's eye, one in which computers are silently abducted from homes and vehicles wail in agony from being scratched to bits. My God, someone get the National Guard down here and tell them to airlift crates of winged pads - it's gonna be a bloodbath!