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People often describe cute and innocent childhood crushes as "puppy love."
I have seen puppy love with my own two eyes, and there is nothing cute or innocent about it.
It started as a normal Tuesday evening. I was quietly hanging out and eating dinner with three of my friends: Megan, Piper and Emma. There was less sexual energy in the room than you could reasonably expect to find in an Amish, single-gender retirement community.
And suddenly, without extending any common courtesies such as telling her how special she is or even buying her a drink, Piper proceeded to forcefully grab hold of Emma and try to have his way with her.
I was shocked. Megan just laughed, as if this is something that happens all the time around her house. I hadn't seen this much action in the middle of a living room since I was in elementary school when there were always one or two channels on the TV featuring scrambled naughty movies.
Granted, Piper and Emma are dogs, which makes the situation slightly more understandable. But as funny as the situation may be to me, it was just one more piece of evidence to prove a theory I've held for years.
Almost everyone has, at some point or another, witnessed two dogs practicing the reproductive arts.
What you may call "dog sex," I call undeniable proof that cats are cruel, evil and imperialistic creatures bent on enslaving both dog and man alike.
I'd like you to take a moment and think about the cutest thing you've ever seen. Many of you, I'm sure, are thinking about a kitten.
I'll admit they look almost as good as they taste. But have you ever wondered where kittens come from?
Don't be so quick to respond. When was the last time you saw two cats playing biological bingo?
You haven't. Because they don't.
The world is a constant battleground between forces of good and evil. God and Satan. Apple and Microsoft. South Carolina and Clemson. Bubble wrap and styrofoam peanuts.
Dogs and cats.
Cats, being the maniacal and (more often than not) demonically possessed creatures that they are, don't reproduce like normal animals anymore. They clone themselves in super-secret underground lairs they've constructed across the United States.
Dogs come in assorted species.
Cats come in only two kinds - those who have already killed a person today and those who plan on doing it later.
With their cloning operation running strong, their numbers are exploding. Maintaining a healthy canine population is our only hope for survival. So I beg all of you - please, do NOT get your dogs spayed or neutered.
Bob Barker is working for the cats.
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