This article was run as part of an April Fool's joke edition of The Daily Gamecock and is in no way factual.
It is with heavy heart that we report the end of a musical era: The Return of the Spice Girls Tour has ended. Emma, Geri, Mel B, Melanie C and Victoria finished their tour de force in the ever-relevant hit-making city of Vancouver, Canada.
With truly tasteful, age-appropriate costuming (Roberto Cavalli's best work ever) and timeless, witty songs, the tour brought the entire world back to the better, brighter, bustier days of the previous decade.
In the mid-90s, Baby, Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Posh epitomized modern women, working to have their art taken seriously and building a foundation for a long-lasting and socially impacting career. When the Spice Girls came on the scene in 1996 with "Wannabe," the world only needed one deeply eloquent and consequential word to know that these girls were no joke: "zig-a-zig-ah."
Unfortunately Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown has been too busy (with the weighty task of proving that she is indeed Eddie Murphy's baby's mama) to lobby the board of directors of the Oxford English Dictionary to get the completely non-sexual word in its rightful place.
But it was really the intelligent lyrics, in combination with pure vocal talent, which made the Spice Girls' shows' "pop"ular (a.k.a. universal) themes ring true in stadiums across North America and Europe. The deep theological philosophy (with possible Eastern roots) of the movement is evident: "Too much of something is bad enough/ But something's coming over me to make me wonder/ Too much of nothing is just as tough."
By encouraging "every boy and every girl" to "spice up your life," the masterminds of the social movement were also commenting on today's widespread flavor deficiency.
Since the disbanding in 2000, Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton continued on the girls' crusade by tackling the seasoning make-up of Prego pasta sauce in a television commercial. Originally she took on the challenge for sport, but she later ascertained that, although the scarily posh marinara did contain the correct levels of ginger, that Prego was actually in need of a spice called "baby." However, she promptly informed the Italian sauce makers after the commercial shoot that she would not allow them to attend her show.
Snooty? Absolutely not. She was simply guarding the key ingredient to the tour's recent success: babies. The final concert showcased six of the Spice Girls' collective children in a move that greatly enhanced the already moving performance.
And family friendly the shows were. With leopard print costumes, micro-minis, whips, cages, pole dancing, simulated oral sex and instructions for non-monogamous lovers to "get with... friends," the girls provided a twist on another one of their all-time favorite themes: provocative clothing + platform shoes = empowerment for talented women.
It appears that with the end of The Return of the Spice Girls the music world will plunge into yet another dormant period. That is of course unless the five pop princesses choose to end the dark, flavorless age by satiating the world's taste for another mouthwatering reunion.
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