A timeline of a last-second study session
It doesn’t matter if you’re studying the effects of immigration on early 20th century America, the chemical composition of a leaf or why Freud says you have a subconscious physical attraction to your mother, you’ve put off hitting the books until the night before those evil, empty Scantron bubbles stare you down on test day. Now it’s crunch time. Pack your bags and head to the library for a night of panic, self-hatred, regret and cramming. It’s 6 p.m. now. Test starts at 9 a.m. Good luck and Godspeed.
6 p.m. Finish loading backpack. Notice how dirty room is.
6:15 p.m. May as well clean the rest of the house while you’re at it
6:45 p.m. May as well mow the lawn while you’re at it.
7:15 p.m. May as well power-wash the siding while you’re at it.
7:30 p.m. All clean. Time to hit up T.Coop. But first …
7:45 p.m. Delete browser history
7:46 p.m. Realize that Freud may be right.
7:50 p.m. Wait at a stoplight en route to T. Coop.
7:51 p.m. Blast DMX to get pumped. “GRRRR RUFF RUFF THE DAWG IS HERE!”
7:52 p.m. Notice horrified look on face of driver next to you. Roll up windows, bark quieter.
7:55 p.m. Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” comes on radio. “Psssh, lame.”
7:58 p.m. Park on Bull Street, wait until Miley Cyrus song finishes. Dry eyes with napkin.
8:03 p.m. Power-walk to library, weaving through crowd of students like Mike Davis. Accidentally knock small girl over. No time to go back. Mouth “user-truck” to yourself.
8:05 p.m. Sideways-shimmy through automatic doors, too impatient to wait for them to open all the way.
8:07 p.m. Wait on elevator wedged between sorority girl yelling on the phone and large man who just ate Taco Bell.
8:10 p.m. Sit at computer, sign in after three tries.
8:13 p.m. Tweet “On Dat Study Grind #Studious #TCoop #ComeAtMeKnowledge”
8:20 p.m. Instagram picture of Nos Energy Drink next to computer from artistic low angle.
8:25 p.m. Snapchat selfie while making a sad face with caption “Studying all night FML.” Send to all friends.
8:30 p.m. Sign in on Blackboard. Time to cram like you’ve never crammed before.
8:31 p.m. Sign in on Facebook. Commence shameless stalking of people you don’t know.
12 a.m. Click on “50 Photos of Cute Kittens that Think They’re People.”
12:15 a.m. Click on “50 Photos of Cute Kittens Cuddling in Baskets.”
12:30 a.m. Click on “The Effect of Neurotransmitters on Behavior.” Now you’re back on track.
12:45 a.m. Click on “The Effect of Toy Helicopters on Cute Kittens.” DANG IT.
1 a.m. Curse your love of fuzzy things.
1:15 a.m. Calculate lowest possible grade you can get and still pass the course.
1:30 a.m. “What is the meaning of life?”
2 a.m. Quietly sob.
2:15 a.m. Grab sandwich from Horseshoe Deli.
3 a.m. Bathroom break.
3:15 a.m. Delete iPhone browser history.
3:45 a.m. Back to studying. If it’s not in bold, you don’t read it.
4 a.m. Reward the 15 minutes of work with a Candy Crush session.
5:30 a.m. “You need three tickets to unlock the next level.”
5:45 a.m. Reopen “The Effect of Neurotransmitters on Behavior.”
6 a.m. Feel slightly confident that you can still pull off a C.
6:01 a.m. Pass out on keyboard.
8 a.m. Wake up. Swear loudly, then realize the library is now full of people.
8:30 a.m. Accept defeat.
9 a.m. Email teacher informing her of your “uncontrollable vomiting,” “sky-high fever” and deepest apologies for being unable to attend today’s exam. Yo teach, when’s the make-up?