2008 Woodie Awards
Scientology: freedom in uniformity
Widely mocked religion not cult, just demands money, loyalty, censorship
Thomas Maluck
Issue date: 2/21/08 Section: Viewpoints
For an audio version of this column, please click below.
When prevailing viewpoints paint a group in the wrong colors, the righteous and truth-seeking must come forward to dispel awful rumors.
For example, I once believed Scientology to be a cult. This was based on what could be gleaned from members' lives: Tom Cruise denied the effectiveness of medicine, Isaac Hayes left "South Park" over jokes mocking Scientology and John Travolta played a woman in "Hairspray."
Then I realized Scientology was a religion, after reading accounts on xenu.net about membership requirements and the fate that awaits anyone who crosses the Church of Scientology's legal eagles. The most compelling factor was the Church's insistence on collecting money: if there's any surefire identifier of a religion, it's the inspirational message it sends to people's wallets, and Scientology demanded deep pockets. My checkbook sang their gospel.
As soon as I said goodbye to all of my friends and relatives, signed over my bank account and divulged all of my blackmail-worthy secrets in a mind-cleansing process called "auditing," my days as a Scientologist began. My duties had to do with silencing Internet upstarts who tried to sully the government-recognized title of "Church" by exposing Scientology's aggressive censorship lawsuits, or "secrecy."
Such Suppressant Persons, or SPs to the Church, are not likely to see the light of founder L. Ron Hubbard's often-cited teaching: "The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion." Amen.
I was assigned to handle a group of Scientology picketers who organized online and called themselves "Anonymous" to represent a supposed silent majority and to prevent lawsuits from the Church. Since these forum-obsessed neckbeards couldn't be bothered to identify themselves, I had to lure them in my own anonymous fashion: waving a sign offering "free chikinz" and masks from "V For Vendetta."
Once chloroformed into the psychiatric treatment they so badly needed, the anonymous SPs were educated about the dangers their souls faced, especially if they didn't quit protesting the Church. But I was a merciful educator, and accepted their legally binding apologies and promises to cease and desist.
A few non-believers showed dramatic signs of potential in their resistance, however. They would shriek secret passwords such as "Wait until I get my gun" and "I'll publish a book about this" that let me know they were ready for a spiritual journey. Unfortunately, their enlightenment training beneath several feet of water prematurely released their souls into the cosmos. Now they are several hundred pounds of scrap meat for Travolta, the Scientology Dog (his nose is a natural E-meter!).
I am grateful for the new heights of awareness Scientology has allowed me, and, barring some errant force of rationality, I hope to spread the good news to your community next.
When prevailing viewpoints paint a group in the wrong colors, the righteous and truth-seeking must come forward to dispel awful rumors.
For example, I once believed Scientology to be a cult. This was based on what could be gleaned from members' lives: Tom Cruise denied the effectiveness of medicine, Isaac Hayes left "South Park" over jokes mocking Scientology and John Travolta played a woman in "Hairspray."
Then I realized Scientology was a religion, after reading accounts on xenu.net about membership requirements and the fate that awaits anyone who crosses the Church of Scientology's legal eagles. The most compelling factor was the Church's insistence on collecting money: if there's any surefire identifier of a religion, it's the inspirational message it sends to people's wallets, and Scientology demanded deep pockets. My checkbook sang their gospel.
As soon as I said goodbye to all of my friends and relatives, signed over my bank account and divulged all of my blackmail-worthy secrets in a mind-cleansing process called "auditing," my days as a Scientologist began. My duties had to do with silencing Internet upstarts who tried to sully the government-recognized title of "Church" by exposing Scientology's aggressive censorship lawsuits, or "secrecy."
Such Suppressant Persons, or SPs to the Church, are not likely to see the light of founder L. Ron Hubbard's often-cited teaching: "The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion." Amen.
I was assigned to handle a group of Scientology picketers who organized online and called themselves "Anonymous" to represent a supposed silent majority and to prevent lawsuits from the Church. Since these forum-obsessed neckbeards couldn't be bothered to identify themselves, I had to lure them in my own anonymous fashion: waving a sign offering "free chikinz" and masks from "V For Vendetta."
Once chloroformed into the psychiatric treatment they so badly needed, the anonymous SPs were educated about the dangers their souls faced, especially if they didn't quit protesting the Church. But I was a merciful educator, and accepted their legally binding apologies and promises to cease and desist.
A few non-believers showed dramatic signs of potential in their resistance, however. They would shriek secret passwords such as "Wait until I get my gun" and "I'll publish a book about this" that let me know they were ready for a spiritual journey. Unfortunately, their enlightenment training beneath several feet of water prematurely released their souls into the cosmos. Now they are several hundred pounds of scrap meat for Travolta, the Scientology Dog (his nose is a natural E-meter!).
I am grateful for the new heights of awareness Scientology has allowed me, and, barring some errant force of rationality, I hope to spread the good news to your community next.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
Anonymous
posted 2/21/08 @ 3:22 AM EST
I think Tom Cruise is a pretty cool guy, eh silences SPs and doesn't afraid of anything.
Do not forgive. Do not forget.
JDHunter
James Hunter
posted 2/21/08 @ 9:39 AM EST
We need you as a contributor. Your writing has the perfect blend of spice and mental nutrients. Good job!
We are legion.
sooth
posted 2/21/08 @ 10:25 PM EST
Another drunken, prozac weilding college kid? Poor defeated soul. Could also be a neo-nazi. Fits the profile. Maluck or Noluck? My advice: Stay off the Xanax. (Continued…)
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