So you pop open your browser or turn on the TV to grab a bit of news and you see a new report saying that “So and so scientists from such and such big school has discovered that ... ” Like any good American, you must anxiously absorb this important new information about our world, and then proceed to thoroughly warp all sense of the report. For those amateur science-twisters, here is a step-by-step guide to completely misconstruing a scientific report:
1. Assume that the reporter has read the article and actually understood what was going on. This includes all incredibly off-the-wall and ridiculous claims made about what the study actually means — like the implications of the latest brain scan research or vaccinated autism scare. Of course the reporter knows what he’s talking about, he read the article.
2. Never, ever, under any conditions, read the article yourself. This could put you at risk of actually understanding what was said and the implications legitimately explored by the researcher, which would completely cut you off from off-handed speculations. What fun is science if you can’t toss it around carelessly? You might not be able to do that if you actually understand what is going on.
3. Now that you’ve avoided the article, pretend like you know what you’re talking about. Post an intelligent sounding update on Facebook and strike up a conversation over lunch about how nanotechnology is preparing the way for our future overlords.
4. By all means, ignore all uncertainty and process involved in science and assume that your position as a citizen in a democracy, complete with free speech, now somehow authorizes you to judge the quality of the science and make definitive claims about standards of evidence.
5. Assume that this development will be the last big one in this field and will radically alter the structure of society for centuries to come. You know, like cloning. We’re all cloning each other now, right?
6. Now, don’t forget that this technology will be used by the worst possible people in the worst possible way to cause the worst possible destruction, and condemn the finding on that premise.
7. More to the point: if you agree with the implications of the study, laud it as the most important discovery of the year. If you disagree: just claim the researchers don’t know what they’re talking about or point to the fact that fifty years ago they predicted we’d be colonizing other planets by now.
8. Forget about the article for a few weeks then have it randomly pop into your head at precisely the wrong moment so that you can use some vaguely remembered, not even barely understood piece of science as your authority in a debate with the guy next door over whether your radio is too loud—or some otherwise unrelated incident.
9. Now that the science has been rendered completely useless and twisted, forget that your life is surrounded by and largely defined by science, and hop on the computer or turn on the TV to start again.
Be the first to comment on this article!