Valentine’s Day promotes gender inequality and hollows our already materialistic culture by OH WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!? You wanted a massive Teddy bear. And a box of chocolates. And roses delivered to your work place. Like, an entire garden of roses.
But, alas, no chocolate came from a handsome secret admirer. No one burst into your lecture hall with a guitar and a flower and an out-of-tune rendition of “Wonderwall.” Libby Brulenstein wouldn’t kiss you even though you got her a Scooby Doo card, because you drank glue earlier. It was non-toxic, Libby.
So what is a wayward heart to do after a lonely Valentine’s Day? Luckily, there are five dates that are just dying to be with you. Bring out the contestants. It’s time to play…
THE DATING GAME (for lonely people)
Contestant #1
Feeling adventurous? Try this two-for-one deal. These brothers from Vermont are ice cold, but once you warm ’em up a little, they’re total softies. They’re a little chunky, but will always melt your heart.
Contestant #2
Our second contestant is a little stuffy, but will always be there to dry your tears when you’re sad and clean you up when you’re happy. You can give him snot all you want and he still won’t break up with you on New Year’s Eve so he can make out with some voluptuous blonde he just met.
Contestant #3
Contestant #3 is willing to go the whole 360 degrees to be your number One. Sure, she acts a little funky since that kid tried to put a slice of bologna in her disc drive, but you’ve achieved so much together. She will consume your life and isolate you from the rest of the world — but, hey, what are significant others for?
Contestant #4
You and contestant #4 are the purr-fect match. She might hack up a few fur balls on the carpet, but will always bring home a dead bird to make up for it. She definitely won’t let you take her out a bunch or tell you she wants to take it slow while secretly banging half the school the entire time. While you’re at it, why not just pick up a whole litter of #4’s?
Contestant #5
This long-necked hottie is cultured and sophisticated — the perfect date for a dinner party. She’ll make you feel good and help you forget your problems. And don’t worry about things getting old — she only gets better with age.
Thanks for playing! Now, who’s it gonna be, you lucky, lonely person?
#1 – Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
#2 – Tissues
#3 – Xbox
#4 – Cat
#5 – Wine
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