It’s January, which unfortunately means that it’s resolution time.
Nearly every person on campus has decided that this year they will lose the freshman 15, resulting in Strom being clogged with a universal ineptitude, turning the gym into something more like a DMV. I am all for America ending its battle with obesity, I just prefer that the initiative happen somewhere far away from the streets of USC. However, unlike USC’s student body, Hollywood seems to lack the “dream big” attitude that we Gamecocks have recently acquired. So, since the movie business will not make its own resolutions for the new year, I have decided to offer up a few suggestions.
1. Stop casting Ashton Kutcher in anything. Period.
This “actor” does not care about movies at all. Every single film he has ever been cast in has received a “rotten” score on RottenTomatoes.com, an impressive feat considering his idiotic persona seems to pop into movies all the time. Odds would say he’d be in at least one good flick. I mean, even Ron Jeremy appeared in “Boogie Nights” (1997). In fact, his last film, “Killers” (2010) is considered one of the worst films released last year, and possibly the worst of his career, which proves he is only getting worse.
2. Someone please pay off Nicholas Cage’s debt.
Nicolas Cage is not a respected actor. In fact, he is more akin to the crazy guy down the street who eats whatever dies in his yard. However, he does have an Oscar and possesses plenty of talent, but due to the fact that he compulsively buys castles (never said he was rational), he is in more debt than Blockbuster. This in turn forces him to take roles like those in “Season of the Witch” (2011) and “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” (2010), which are surprisingly beneath even him. So I am proposing that someone help him out so he doesn’t become the crack addict begging on the street corners of the acting business.
3. Let Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan) tell the Easter Story.
He has been quoted as saying that he “had problems with” “The Passion of the Christ” (2004). A quick solution to this problem is to just let him direct his own version. There could be Jared Leto as Jesus, a sobering but cerebrally stimulating story, and the score would be amazing. His style would correlate perfectly to the mood of the plot; nearly every aspect lines up except for it being hugely blasphemous. And, there’s no way Aronofsky would be able to do it without some egregious sex scene. Not sure how the pope will handle that one.
4. Stop making unnecessary films and sequels.
Well this one’s too late because Hollywood is creating a “Missile Command” movie. Yes, that is the space-themed 1980 Atari game where you shoot laser-like lines at dots falling from the sky. This one was the most important resolution, and Hollywood already failed.
5. End the Vampire fad. Immediately.
This has gone on way too long. When I was young, I thought Dracula was stupid and didn’t make sense. The guy can’t eat garlic, but human blood is his life source. Of all things to be a weakness, it had to be garlic? Last year, and the year before that, I thought the obsession with these mosquitoes would fade away. Instead, it just grew stronger with the release of “Twilight” (2008). It is like Kudzu. Yet, there is no way to stop it, and the only way to ignore it is to go hide in a cave.
These are just a few of the suggestions that Hollywood should take to heart. I know that none will come true and might be considered for two weeks before being put next to the Rosetta Stone and filed under “maybe next year.”
