The older I grow, the more cynical I become. When it comes to politics, the older I grow, the more I want to simultaneously laugh, cry, clap, faint, scream and/or stick sharp pins into my eyes. There are times when I am listening to the speeches of the people who make major and incredibly vital decisions about the future of our nation, and I have to stop practically dead in time, press pause and rewind the YouTube video just to make sure I heard that outrageous stream of words correctly. There are times when I am reading the newspaper while waiting in line for coffee and am compelled — by my own need to reassure my sanity — to tap the person in front of me and ask them to tell me if what I’m reading makes any logical sense in the English language, or if I really am slowly spiraling into an abyss of non-reason.
Who is running our country? In fact, who is running this world? As seen in recent and high profile uprisings in Cote d’Ivoire, Tunisia and now in Egypt, something is certainly going on, and I demand to know the punch line to this cosmic joke. However, until I find it, I am just going to have to pick up the hilarious clues along the way — and inform the public while I’m at it. So, without further ado, here are real quotes from the people we citizens of the world have “elected” to run our big blue planet:
President Barack Obama (While posing for a picture in Indiana and feeling his phone vibrating): “Now that’s my phone buzzing there. Don’t want you to think I’m getting fresh or anything.”
Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Ark.: “You don’t have to pass an IQ test to be in the Senate.”
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran (At a speech at Columbia University, 2007): “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals, like in your country.”
Nguyen Co Thach, former foreign minister of Vietnam: “We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.”
Donald Rumsfeld, former U.S. Secretary of Defense (Asked to give a number of Iraqi insurgents before Congress, 2005): “I’m not going to give you a number for it because it’s not my business to do intelligent work.”
Former Sen. Elizabeth Dole, R-N.C.: “Only one thing would be worse than the status quo. And that would be for the status quo to become the norm.”
Former Rep. Larry Koon, R-S.C.: “Women are best suited for secretarial work, decorating cakes and counter sales, like selling lingerie.”
Former President George W. Bush (While talking to former Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso, 2001): “Do you have blacks, too?”
Former mayor of Washington, D.C. Marion Barry, D: “The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.”
Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger R-Calif.: “I don’t understand how they can call me anti-Latino when I’ve made four movies in Mexico.”
And these are just samples from the archives. I am laughing, I am crying and I am looking for my pin cushion.
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