Rating: D+
Before I start berating "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides," I want to remind people of what classifies a blockbuster film. A summer blockbuster film is one that has absolute success commercially. It does not have to be loved by critics to be declared a blockbuster.
The central plot of the film involves the search for the Fountain of Youth. It begins with Jack Sparrow (Depp) in London with no ship. The king wishes for Jack to partner with his old nemesis Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) to race against the Spanish in a quest for the Fountain of Youth. He refuses and makes an elaborate escape with an implausible carriage chase though London.
Afterward, Jack crosses paths with Angelica (Penelope Cruz), an old flame and the daughter of Blackbeard (Ian McShane), who is piloting the "Queen Anne's Revenge." He can, though not thoroughly explained in the plot, turn sailors into zombies and possesses a magic sword that helps him control the ship. He also seems to be able to imprison ships (including Jack's "Black Pearl") by shrinking them into small bottles.
In terms of the journey to find the Fountain of Youth, the plot is more complicated than most. In order to gain youth from the fountain, certain items including two silver chalices and a mermaid's tear have to be collected.
The writers and director Rob Marshall ("Chicago") consistently try to distract viewers from the lumbering story line by adding dreary action and one confusing element after another, which includes cannibalistic mermaids, voodoo dolls and black magic.
Fans of the franchise are sure to miss the romance between Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, which was a redundant part of the original trilogy. Replacing their romance is a new insipid couple — missionary Phillip (Sam Claflin) and mermaid Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey).
It's hard to care about the outcome of either romance since they don't contain nearly enough emotion. The romance between the missionary and the mermaid was just another distractions, and it is difficult to make out if the relationship between Jack and Angelica is love or hate.
The only positive here is Johnny Depp, injecting the same charisma and wit into his most iconic role as he has in the past three films. Even though he is probably tired of committing to the role, it's that commitment that gives "On Stranger Tides" even the slightest bit of entertainment.
This predictable and familiar "Pirates" reboot is completely illogical and packed with senseless details. If the two swords on the movie poster were replaced with crossbones, it would adequately describe where the franchise would be going should another sequel be made.