Mix writer Mary Cathryn Armstrong offers pre-game points for football season
Well Gamecocks, that time of year is finally upon us. No, it’s not the magic moment where the vaporizing heat reaches its breaking point and settles into less sweat-inducing temperatures — yes, this weekend was pleasant but trust me, it was just a trick. ’Tis the season of Carolina football; yet again we must break out the garnet and black spilling out of dresser drawers and dust off that Cocky-shaped hat that sits poised on the desk lamp. Since many of you will be making your first trek down to the sacred tailgating territory, there are a few politics of the Gamecock stomping grounds that everyone (even a seasoned pro) should know about.
DO
Remember to Eat
One of the best parts of tailgating? Almost everyone brings alcohol. One of the worst parts? Almost everyone brings alcohol. With the exception of a few Bojangles’ wrappers scattered on the ground and chicken wing bones poking through the grass, you’ll be hard-pressed to find decent snacking amongst the USC students. So unless you’re planning on crashing your uncle’s best friend’s four-star cuisine catered tent, try and pick up something to eat on the way down. You’ll be glad when you’re not standing outside the stadium at halftime choking down three beef burritos from Moe’s, grease and beans dripping seductively from your chin. And no matter how much you may try and talk yourself into it, remember two things:
1. Six Busch Lights does not a meal make. And no, drinking a case doesn’t work either.
2. Just because you mix your cocktail with “100% real fruit juice!” doesn’t mean you’re being healthy. That’s like dumping jellybeans, marshmallows and chocolate syrup on a bed of lettuce and still calling it a salad.
DON’T
Drink Too Much
Long before Drake warned us about drinking so much we forget our name, Gamecock revelers have been drinking so much they forget the game. In case you didn’t heed the first tip and decided to chug on a solo stomach, for the love of Spurrier, please don’t be that person. We all know who I’m talking about. Remember that time USC took down Alabama in 2010? No? Bad news, bro: you’re that person. Don’t get me wrong — we’re all supposed to get a little rowdy before the Cocks take the field. Heck, listen to “Sandstorm” blaring — it’s encouraged. But unless you want to take a trip in a squad car or in an ambulance (or meet drunken stupor’s ugly relative, Uncle Blackout) it’s better to stay safe and pace yourself. Common alcohol-induced misgivings include:
1. Thinking you’re charming. You’re not. Remember that next time you’re slurring out drunken invites to dinner at Bernie’s or batting your eyelashes at your arresting officer.
2. Objects are closer than they appear. This includes (but is not limited to) cars, trucks, mascots, cheerleaders, band members with tubas, stop signs, buildings, gates and Porta Potties. They’re not going to hop out of your way. Good rule of thumb? If you can reach out and touch it, you’re probably about to hit it. Disclaimer: This rule should not be used as an excuse to grope the person in front of you.
3. Alcohol does not enhance nor supercharge your ability to do things you can’t do sober. So no, you can’t lift your pickup truck off the ground, you won’t win a battle of the wits with an angry security guard and you can’t smash all 50 beer cans on your forehead. But you CAN look like a fool doing all of these.
DO
Dress Appropriately
You can tell a lot about people by what they wear to a football game. For instance, you can spot the difference between those raised down south and the ones from “up there” just by their tailgate attire. Northerners tend to keep things casual with Gamecock tees and shorts; Southerners tend to look like we’re dressed for church.
There’s really no wrong way to dress (as long as you’re not wearing orange) but bear one thing in mind: it is HOT. Tailgate temps can sometimes swelter into the high 90s, and when you spend hours in the toasty Columbia sun, you’re not going to glisten; you’re going to sweat.
Unfortunately, black is one of the primary colors for a true Gamecock, so you may have to suck it up. Check the day’s weather and choose your outfit based on that. And don’t wear anything you are too scared to get sweaty or even a little bit dirty. After all, you will be spending four quarters tightly squeezed in between thousands of your closest friends jumping up and down to “Sandstorm” at least six times.
DON’T
Forget You’re a Carolina Gamecock
It’s inevitable: at one point (or several) during the day, some fan is going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and hell is going to break loose. Fists will be thrown, words shouted and before you know it, everyone and their grandma is knocking teeth out. It’s easy to get pumped up before a game and stay a little cocky when the Gamecocks take home the win. Besides, trash-talking is a part of football culture — we even have the T-shirts to prove it. But there’s a way to do it and a way not to. And if it involves seriously injuring someone else, it’s never the right way. Take pride in your team and take pride in yourself. No one wants their face plastered on the nightly news for getting too drunk and trying to scale the new video board in their underwear or a brawl with a rival that ended in jail time. Stay safe and stay sane and this really will be the year of the Gamecock.