Staff Writer Mary Cathryn Armstrong introduces some staple personalities of the downtown bars 
The Girl Who Just Wants to Dance
How You’ll Know Her: If in the open, she’ll be the one standing at the crosswalk screaming, “Guys, I just want to dance!” at the top of her lungs to a posse that’s trying to pretend they don’t know her. If indoors, you can spot her wildly swinging her vodka-cranberry in the air, sloshing half-melted ice cubes and cheap liquor down the dress of her best friend, whose patience is starting to run thin. This girl will be the first to hit the dance floor (or any open area where she hasn’t already spilled her drink) and loudly declare any combination of the following phrases: “Oh girl! This is my song!”, “This is the best song of all time!” or “I want to have Bieber babies!” This is usually done while gleefully trying to force said friend’s limp arms up into the air in celebration, and the song is usually by Rihanna or Drake. She will then light up the dance floor with a number of gyrating “sexy” dance moves until she eventually lures in her male counterpart, Air-Humping Guy. But take heed: These two will be moving and lip-locking in their own little world, completely oblivious to you. So unless you want to be in the middle of their groovy sandwich, provide plenty of space.
The Guy Who Keeps Buying Shots
How You’ll Know Him: His identifiers are a little bit easier to spot. He’ll be the one posted up at the bar all night with the words “just put it on my tab” on repeat. This guy loves everything from Dirty Girl Scouts to Porn Stars. (Yes, those are just shots. Relax.) And guess what? He’s going to buy you one. This is the guy who runs into the kid he used to play blocks with in kindergarten or his teaching assistant from English 285 and starts spreading shots like the plague — a really strong, sweet plague that comes in a little plastic cup but ironically will still have the same negative effects on your stomach. The bar is littered with the evidence of his excellent time, and he probably has more varieties of liquor in him than the entire right side of Green’s Beverages. Whether or not he wakes up with a bank overdraft or even makes it to that 8 a.m. psychology class is still up for debate, but hey, you only live once (or “YOLO” as our hero will say as he raises the shot to his lips).
The Girl Eating Pita Pit
How You’ll Know Her: In the wee hours of the morning, you’ll see this girl out in the wild, sitting on the ground and growling at anyone brave enough to come near her. Because this will most likely be toward the end of the night, her hair will be slightly mussed and her mascara may be a little runny from tears shed due to her “mean” boyfriend who offered her a Busch instead of Bud Light. But on her long, wobbly walk home she has found solace in the one thing that has never let her down: the pita. As she squats on the steps in front of the establishment, her jaw unhinges and she attacks her Dagwood with more fervor than Bear Grylls into a freshly caught salmon. Sure, her face will soon be glistening with a cocktail of lettuce, onions and dribbles of hot sauce. Sure, she’s probably eaten just as much wrapper as she has pita. But no passerby can deny this girl looks satisfied. Or that her dress is ruined.
The Guy Who’s Falling Asleep
How You’ll Know Him: Have you ever been having a conversation with someone who’s looking at you but their eyes are focused on some spot just above or behind you? Yeah, that’s this guy, five seconds before he falls asleep at the urinal. The early signs of warning include slurring speech and swaying, which will eventually give way to heavy eyes that begin to droop and sag with each passing hour. He bobs around the back of Pavlov’s, pretending to be swaying to the music but in actuality, he’s just testing the area for objects to lean on. When he finds nothing, he chooses one of two options: this guy will either a) lean against the wall, beer bottle in hand, until someone notices he’s missing (they won’t) or b) stagger up to an empty bar stool and perch his head atop the beer bottle at the perfect angle so he remains sitting up but doesn’t have to stay awake. Both are great choices. Will he wake up eventually? Will he ruin that Southern Tide? Yes and yes.
The Girl Who’s Turning 21
How You’ll Know Her: This girl will be covered in an assortment of whistling, furry light-up birthday paraphernalia from boas to tiaras and possibly a handmade sign just in case you didn’t know that, yes, it is her birthday. She’ll be followed by a similarly dressed gaggle of girls (minus the tiara, because you know, it’s HER day) who will announce to anyone and everyone that their best friend is turning 21. She takes shots on the bar with no shame and even demands that everyone pay for her drinks. She may not remember her name, but she does remember it’s her 21st. She will also shove her way into the long line at the bathroom, knocking any other waiting ladies out of the way while shouting, “It’s my birthday!” as her one excuse. Her eyes will probably be glazed. At some point, she will also proudly march up to the Columbia police parked outside of the Exxon and demand they card her. Unfortunately, they’ll also card her friend, who will be ticketed for underage drinking. And so ends the magical evening.