A college student’s guide to spooky and spirited Halloween etiquette
Why do college kids love Halloween? Three reasons: we can eat all the candy we want without our parents instructing us to “save some” (aka the bucket goes on top of the refrigerator until its contents grows stale), shots can be made to look like witch’s brew or bloody guts, and we can all dress like a half-naked Rainbow Brite or Magic Mike while still being upstanding members of society. Since the goriest of holidays just happens to fall on a Wednesday this year, odds are many of you are going to continue partying into the weekend, so here are a few tips to keep things a little less scary.
Don’t Make Candy Your Last Supper
Remember that sick feeling you got as a kid when you loftily ignored your parent’s advice and ate your entire night’s haul in one sitting? Now imagine taking all those fun-sized Snickers, Kit Kats and Sour Patch Kids, dousing them in Natural Light, rolling them in tequila and THEN eating them. Because that’s how your stomach is going to feel — and it’s going to retaliate. So if you’re planning on imbibing goblet after goblet of witch’s brew, don’t do it on a stomach lined with candy corn and Milk Duds. And if you end up seeing the darker side of your Milky Way, you have no one to blame but for yourself.
Do Dress Up
This is the one time of year when you can dress as trashy, hairy or ugly as you want. So why is it that time and time again, we see folks dressed in all yellow acting like they’re crayons or all blue pretending to be a cloud? You know who you are. This is lame. Do not do this. Take advantage of the fact that you can wear something that typically only passes when your name is Lady Gaga or Dennis Rodman. It doesn’t mean you have to drop $75; there are plenty of fantastic costumes you can make right in the comfort of your own home. Take a trip to Goodwill. Just don’t be a crayon. Animal ears with a tail don’t count either. You all look like different types of cats. Stop it.
Don’t Get Too Into Character
Dressing up like a cop and handcuffing your friend to the trash can is fine. Dressing up like a policeman and attempting to pass as Officer “Cop A. Feel” while stealing a squad car is not. There’s nothing wrong with getting into the feel of your costume, but make sure you don’t lose yourself totally while wearing that inexpensive polyester blend. Just because you’re dressed like Katy Perry doesn’t mean you can shoot whipped cream or firecrackers from your chest and wearing a cape doesn’t actually make you a flying superhero. Think of it this way: Carrying a plastic ax around doesn’t give you sudden urges to murder people, does it? If your answer is anywhere near yes, you have bigger problems and probably need to stay home. Or in a padded cell. Whatever.
Do Get Scared
Halloween separates the men from the boys and the babies from the brave. Maybe you don’t like to be afraid, but this is just too bad for you, bro. Part of the allure of the holiday is getting that adrenaline-pumping, palm-sweating, heart-racing trifecta of terror. This is something we should all experience at least once. Why? Because one day your body won’t be able to do any of these things ... because you’ll be dead. So get out there and visit a haunted house, go to a cemetery at midnight or just sit in a dark bathroom chanting “Bloody Mary.” Have fun with it. But know your limits. Claustrophobes don’t belong in narrow tunnels, chicks that cry over “Marley and Me” don’t need to visit a fake slaughterhouse and hefty kids should not be running through the woods from a maniac with a chain saw. Limits. Know them, embrace them.
Don’t Be Obnoxious
It’s funny to be a character with a catchphrase, but by the fortieth time you’ve said “A dollar makes me holler, Honey Boo-Boo!” the people at the bar (including the friends you showed up with) are going to turn on you (if they didn’t already when you showed up as a curly-headed, backwoods chunk of a girl in a too-tight pageant dress). Should you choose to dress up as one of our fine presidential candidates, don’t turn the holiday into an outlet for your politic beliefs either. We’re all getting enough cat fighting and verbal beat downs on Facebook and Twitter; we don’t need to see two rubber-masked politicos doing the “I know you are, but what am I?” battle while giving each other swirlies. There’s been enough of that on the debates lately.
I’ll end this with a quick list of characters that aren’t funny — and no one should ever be:
1. Adolf Hitler
2. Selma and Patty from “The Simpsons”
3. Anyone from “Hoarders”
4. Anyone from “Glee”
5. Randy Jackson