Common caricatures come to life on campus
Bros on mopeds
It seems we see you everywhere on campus these days, zipping around the sidewalk in front of Thomas Cooper Library or desperately puttering up the Barnwell hill as your tiny taxi strains to keep up on the jagged road. We all watch in adoration as you fly by, a glorious winter wind whipping the few locks unkempt by your reverse snapback cap. The sweet sound of the putt-putt- putt as you glide on by is music to our ears. And what’s fun for one is always fun for two, right?
Good pal that you are, you selflessly transport your best bro from the Carolina Coliseum to Gambrell Hall, both of you squeezed tightly with hands tucked into a gentle embrace as he holds on for dear life. Never mind the naysayers; at least you’ll be on time for class.
The girl in Uggs
Though it finally seems Columbia will at last be experiencing a bout of crisp cold weather, you do not let that change your wardrobe; you’ve been wearing those Ugg boots since the weather dropped to a mere 75 degrees. You trudge around in your shearling treasures, first hitting Panera Bread for a broccoli cheddar soup bread bowl then to Target for some toilet paper. You throw the fashion rulebook out the window on a daily basis, matching boots with your plethora of gym shorts on Monday then in skinny jeans and an oversized sweater by Thursday. With more than 10 pairs of various colors and fabrics to select from, you are certainly the clothing chameleon of your generation. Keep it casual with the black pair during the day and dress it up with the silver- sequined pair at night — we don’t care. We’re all placing bets on what the maximum temperature is for you to take them off.
The person who walks and texts
While we may never see your face, we do memorize the back of your head. In your own little world with your eyes bathed in a smartphone glow, you shuffle in front of us at a pace matched only by a 90-year-old using a walker — on a bad day. Your brow furrowed concentration may indicate that you’re answering some in very important text messages or responding to a professor’s email, but we all know the truth. You’re scrolling through Kim Kardashian’s Twitter feed or attempting to best some unknown adversary at Ruzzle. As much as we’d like to power-walk past so we actually make it to class on time, your bobbing and weaving to avoid the nearly unseen obstacles on your path prevents us from doing so. How do you see every trash can and light post without ever looking up? One day you won’t. And we can’t wait.
The guy who runs the crosswalk
Seeing as we’re in college now, a few things should be clear. First, Thursday nights in Five Points are when all of the fun things happen. Second, not all crosswalk symbols are created equal. Since this is apparently getting a little fuzzy for our campus citizens, here’s a simple breakdown so you’ll know what they mean when you see them:
1. The Red Hand: “Hey man, either one or both of the traffic lights right here are green. You probably shouldn’t cross because you never know when a hassled driver will flip a U-turn and take you out. And if you’re already walking and I start to flash, you may want to pick up the pace."
2. The White Man: “It’s totally safe to cross here. Look, I’m walking. You should be too.”
Besides the fact that it’s completely dangerous to cross a busy intersection where cars are flying at speeds closing in on 60 miles per hour — nope, that’s the end of the sentence. It’s dangerous. Don’t do it.
The girl who takes two hours to order Starbucks
We get it. When you have four 8 a.m. classes each week and you’re up “studying” late every night, your first thought when those eyes crack open in the morning is, “Where’s my Starbucks?” Never fully awake until you have that cardboard coffee cup warming your hands, you order from the barista with heavy lids and a sorrowful voice. But what exactly it is that you’re ordering we can never tell. The words spill out of your mouth almost as if in a foreign language, running through a list of personal preferences more extravagant than Kanye West’s ego. Did you just ask for nonfat, soy, cheddar cheese, caramel mocha latte, no-foam, no cat hair, arrogantly overpriced cappuccino? Coming right up.