The Daily Gamecock

Nick Offerman visits Koger Center, gives USC students lewd advice

"Parks and Recreation" star and esteemed woodworker Nick Offerman took to the Koger Center for the Arts Tuesday, February 5, 2013 to offer USC students 10 tidbits of life advice — and one bonus.

The “Parks and Recreation” personality and real-life woodworker — of hobbit pipes, canoes and, one day, an arc — schooled the crowd on his tips to successful living. It was a program he dubbed “American Ham: My Tentatives for Prosperity.”

His expertise, talent and authority to preach on such matters came from two things: his time in “theater plays” and three weeks having “born-again-Christian sex” at a Wisconsin Bible camp.

Offerman is married to Megan Mullally, or Tammy 2 on “Parks and Recreation.” He’s been married for 12 years, and he loves his wife.

In his words:

1. Engage in romantic love.

2. Say please and thank you.

3. Carry a handkerchief, hand kerchief or hanky.

4. Eat red meat.

5. Get a hobby (or a discipline).

6. Go outside. Remain.

7. Avoid the mirror. The mirror — avoid it.

8. Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ — if it is getting you sex.

9. Use intoxicants.

10. Paddle your own canoe.

Bonus: Figure out what you love to do, and then figure out how to get paid to do it. ... Don't f---ing get roped in by your folks, by your guidance counselor, or whoever — by your pimp — to a life in a cubicle.