Director’s flicks showcase stereotypical, overused portrayals of romance
It’s Valentine’s Day, which means all of the unfortunate men in committed relationships will most likely get dragged into seeing “Safe Haven,” yet another romance film by the king of schmaltz himself — Nicholas Sparks. I’ve cracked jokes about how Sparks’ cornball romances are all the same, but this column entry will provide legitimate evidence. Or better yet, you’ve probably seen enough Sparks to know what to expect and could probably surprise your significant other by making your own piece of romantic trash. Here are some instructions on how to write a Nicholas Sparks film.
Have an attractive, white romantic couple.
Because God knows you’d never see someone like Zach Galifianakis or an overweight Mila Kunis in a lead role in a Nicholas Sparks film. The protagonist is always some young, hunky eye candy who takes his shirt off every now and then, coupled with some pretty, skinny girl who struts around in a bikini at least once. Sparks clearly needs to watch an episode of “Girls” and see that normal-sized women can be attractive as well. Or maybe he should realize there are many kinds of love, like sibling love or the bro-love between Frodo and Samwise.
Give the couple some kind of obstacle.
It’s par for the course to discover there are some obstacles in a romance film that make the couple’s union impossible. Whether the parents won’t let you see your love because of your social status (“The Notebook”), or you have a bad relationship with your father (“The Last Song”), you complain your life is empty without him. So what? There are starving children in third-world countries, families in poverty and Sarah McLachlan singing about mistreated animals trapped in an adoption center. You think your life is terrible?
Whip out the water-logged kiss.
This might be the magical moment every Nicholas Sparks fan waits for. It wouldn’t be a Sparks hit without a scene where the lovers’ lips get drenched with water. Evidence: the legendary kiss during the downpour in “The Notebook,” the hurricane lip-lock in “Nights in Rodanthe,” the ocean makeout session in “The Last Song” and the outdoor shower scene in “The Lucky One.” If you ask me, Kristen Wiig’s sex scenes with Jon Hamm in “Bridesmaids” are evidence of how to make a good, intimate Hollywood moment.
End with a tragedy.
Just when you’re enjoying the romance to the point where you might end the night with a sweet dream, something tragic happens and you’re suddenly thinking “WTF.” This is especially true when (SPOILER ALERT) Richard Gere’s character in “Nights of Rodanthe” suddenly dies in a car wreck. In the other Sparks films, it’s more for the sake of jerking some tears, a la the Alzheimer’s plot line in “The Notebook” and the leukemia factor in “A Walk to Remember.”
Give the characters plenty of one-liners.
Sparks’ films are known for their romantic one-liners, from “We’re gonna have to work at this every day” in “The Notebook” to “You should be kissed, every day, every hour, every minute” in “The Lucky One.” You know, the kind of romantic drivel that Sparks apparently thinks will have every girl who scrolls through wedding albums on Pinterest swoon.
Design the same movie poster over and over again.
Seriously, go online and look up the posters for every Sparks movie. They always feature the lead couple embracing as if they’re about to smooch, or just for the sake of embracing. Plus, the setting is always the same: either a sandy beach (“Nights in Rodanthe,” “The Last Song”) or basking in the warm sunlight (“A Walk to Remember,” “The Lucky One”). For once, why can’t the background just be the warm bayous of Louisiana or the dingo-filled deserts of Australia? I’m pretty sure people can fall madly in fall in those places, too.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Nicholas Sparks.