Classic film flops with bad acting, lack of direction
What’s worse than a movie being unnecessarily remade? How about a movie being unnecessarily remade that has been unnecessarily remade many times before?
This fall has already seen its share of unnecessary remakes, including “Footloose” and “The Thing,” but the most unnecessary of them all has only just arrived in theaters.
What differentiates this version of “The Three Musketeers,” aside from the 3-D, is that it’s a steampunk-inspired version containing a few science-fiction elements such as flying war machines. This addition may heighten the film’s silliness, but that’s not the problem with this film.
The movie begins in Venice where the musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson), attempt to steal airship blueprints designed by Leonardo da Vinci. With the help of Athos’ lover Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich), the heist is successful until Milady betrays them (predictably, even if you haven’t read the books or seen any of the previous films) and gives the blueprints to the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom).
One year later, after the Musketeers have disbanded, young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) leaves his country home and travels with the hopes of becoming a Musketeer himself. Upon his arrival in Paris, he immediately begins to quarrel and schedule duels with the Musketeers, but instead fights with them in the movie’s first major swashbuckling scene.
The basic structure of the Alexandre Dumas novel is the same here, with the exception of a few major changes. For instance, the secret affair between the Duke and Queen Anne (Juno Temple) — which could lead to a war between England and France if exposed — has been devised by Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz).
The actual plot of the film comes into play when Milady steals the Queen’s diamond necklace and the Musketeers are asked to retrieve it. There’s also a strange subplot where teenage King Louis (Freddie Fox) seeks advice from D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) on how to gain the affections of the queen.
Three major aspects in “The Three Musketeers” really weaken the film: the acting, the dialogue and the direction.
The previews for the movie boasted a promising cast, but the performances from the majority of the actors can only be characterized as fine. Watching Christoph Waltz portray his more villainous roles, such as Hans Landa from “Inglourious Basterds” (2009), is always pleasant. Orlando Bloom, though slightly miscast, seems to have fun as the vampy Duke of Buckingham.
The three British actors portraying the swashbuckling leads are OK, even though the depth of their characters is absent since they aren’t given enough screen time.
The only performances that really hurt the film are those by Jovovich and Lerman. They receive the most amount of screen time, and both performances are worse than listening to a Paris Hilton album.
Lerman, who gained fame from his leading role in “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” (2010), is completely wooden in his portrayal of D’Artagnan. Even the character isn’t very interesting — he’s depicted as a sneering frat boy who does nothing but challenge people to sword fights for the first half of the film.
Jovovich has showed herself to be a sufficient action heroine in the “Resident Evil” films. However, her character in this film seems to exist only for ornamental purposes, as she dons a different silky outfit in each of her scenes.
The dialogue dithers between monotonously outdated and an agonizing attempt at courteous wit. Most of these misguided attempts include the Musketeers verbally bashing their handyman and King Louis worrying about his outfit, with lines like “lovely outfit, very retro.”
Even the action sequences within this film are tedious, lacking any sense of danger and making the movie boring.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson’s strengths rely on technical skill, but he is overall a horrible storyteller.
So let’s break down all of the problems here: insipid dialogue, tedious acting, characterless characters, boring sword fights and an extravagant mistreat of Christoph Waltz. The ending depicts a possible sequel to be in production, but let’s hope not.
“One for all” is enough.