The uninformed may have missed last week’s settling of perhaps the most important controversy of our time — the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council passed down the historic decision that the hot dog is not, in fact, a sandwich.
Like many Americans, I am outraged by this ruling. To exclude the hot dog from the category of sandwiches is to change the very definition of the food. A sandwich is, according to Merriam-Webster, “two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between.”
Ask yourself, America, does a hot dog not fit this definition?
What right does the NHDSC have to make this decision for our country? The hot dog used to be known as a Frankfurter sandwich, as the Council even acknowledged, but they insist that the definition of sandwich has since changed. How far can we allow our nation’s nutritional standards to deteriorate before we just outright admit that we’re on a slippery slope to total degeneracy? How much longer before we start allowing people to say that hamburgers are not sandwiches either? Will I one day have to explain to my children the sad history behind the deceptive name of a bagel sandwich, whose bread-and-filling union will no longer be meaningful because it has been thrown out with the hot dog?
If we allow this to go any further, we may one day exist in a world where hardworking, red-blooded sandwich lovers are in the minority. Where our businesses are forced to serve the sort of people who think hot dogs are a category unto their own. Where a few men and women can decide for the rest of our nation whether or not to allow this redefinition.
Some people might argue that some hot dog buns are one piece of bread, so they must be different. But we already have a title for that — open-face sandwiches. Why can’t the NHDSC be satisfied with that instead of trying to toy with the beloved, honored sandwich definition?
This isn’t to discriminate against hot dogs. I have nothing against hot dogs. However, I have to question whether they’re worthy of this special treatment.
We’ve been fine all these years with this traditional definition of sandwich. Why does it have to change now? Why is my love of sandwiches under attack because of someone else’s love of hot dogs? This ruling is nothing less than an out-of-control act of judicial tyranny on the part of the NHDSC, ruled over by the all-too-aptly-named Queen of Wien. Did I miss something, or is this still a democracy? They shouldn’t have the power to make decisions like this unilaterally — it’s too important to the future of our nation’s food.
So I ask people who agree with me to stand against this travesty. Resist this hot dog supremacy and stick to your traditional principles, which are under attack in this increasingly liberal nation.