Satisfy your dog’s sexual needs and legally urinate on a public golf course with the help of these wacky items.
1. Hot Doll
Sex doll for dogs
The only relationship more powerful than the one between a dog and his owner is the one between a dog and his owner’s leg, but a houseguest might not be as appreciative. Replace the recipient of this misguided doggy love with a Hot Doll, which is made by the French company Inouy. The official website touts the four-legged fun doll as “the first sex toy and companion for a dog,” so owners can rest easy knowing the relationship will be more than just physical. The site says the slick, modern design of the Hot Doll is “for trendy dogs only” and that it can double as avant-garde decor.
2. The Back Up
Shotgun rack that attaches directly to a mattress
Feeding into our deep-seated love of guns and fear of home invasions, no other product on this list screams “‘MURRICA!” louder than The Back Up. Rest easy knowing the tender, metallic embrace of your 12-gauge is within spooning distance. Also, the misses can no longer say your gun isn’t working in the bedroom.
3. The Kush Support
Breast separator
Are you a woman (or a big-boned man) who likes to sleep on your side but can’t stand the feeling of your breasts touching? The Kush Support isn’t some sort of rehab clinic for recovering potheads — it’s a phallus-shaped breast separator that’s sure to keep your puppies from fighting late at night.
4. UroClub
Golf club/urinal
The UroClub website lays out a horrific scenario: “You’re playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking water, beer, sports drinks, etc. You’re coming up to the third hole with no restroom in sight.” Luckily for those with a strong swing and a weak bladder, the UroClub is here. Simply unscrew the top of the grip, drape the “privacy towel” over your nether regions and go to town. People around you will just think you’re setting up a shot and sighing loudly while you’re really committing public indecency. It isn’t recommended for female golfers or golfers with a habit of throwing their clubs.
5. Subtle Butt
Odor-neutralizing underwear pads
Eating out every day can wreak havoc on the plumbing. Instead of crop dusting the entire lecture hall on your way to the only remaining seat in the back, stick an adhesive Subtle Butt in your underwear. The product’s carbon and fabric combo promises to “take the bad part out of a fart.”
6. Miracle Spring Water
Magic bottled water
The late-night infomercial from self-professed prophet Rev. Peter Popoff flashes the promise that “God Can Reverse EVERY Negative Verdict In Your Life!” over an image of hands behind bars. As money and gold rain from the top of the screen, it demands that viewers “BE FREE TO ENJOY ALL OF GOD’S RICHEST BLESSINGS!” Apparently, drinking this water can turn a death sentence into a slap on the wrist and a rundown pickup into an Escalade. To see how it works, fill out a “prayer request form” on Popoff’s website and brace yourself for the blessing of spam mail.