Mary Cathryn Armstrong’s guide to campus characters
Ah, dorm life. For many of us, the days of sharing bathrooms, mini refrigerators and even a few Four Lokos seems like only yesterday. And for many of you freshmen out there, this actually was yesterday. Dorm life is a part of the quality college experience — it is within this sacred area of twin XL beds and windows that slip open just enough to toss out a few beer cans before your resident mentor does rounds that many USC students experience their first three H’s: hangovers, hookups and hibachi chicken from Grilled Teriyaki. Each dorm at our fine university has its own culture and reputation, but there are a few staple characters who will take up residence everywhere from Honors to Bates West.
1.) The Girl Who's Always Studying
Thursday night at Pavlov’s? No thanks. Tailgating on Saturday? Not unless there’s room for her calculus textbook next to the keg. From the time she gets out of class to the time she wakes up again the next morning, this girl is permanently glued to her MacBook, scouring the Web and checking (then rechecking) every syllabus from her eight-course schedule. She is often one of the first on the floor to pull an all-nighter, preferring to remain holed up in the communal study room downing Starbucks drink after Starbucks drink until the sun rises instead of engaging in “immature” activities like pint night or sleeping. It doesn’t matter the exam she’s studying for is still a month away. Or that she hasn’t eaten anything besides two bagels and a frozen yogurt in the past two days. She can sleep when the semester ends. That’s what the whole month of winter break is for, right?
2.) The Guy Who Plays an Instrument
Remember the guy who plays acoustic guitar on the camping trip in the movie “Role Models”? He also lives down the hall in your dorm. Oddly enough, he never seems to have class, so you can often find him sitting on his futon, strumming along to songs you can’t quite make out. Was that “Call Me Maybe” or “Stairway to Heaven”? We can never really tell. Unfortunately for him, his efforts to sound like Dave Matthews actually end up coming out more like a Bee Gee who’s had one too many cigarettes. We all know you applied to USC as an undecided major because you secretly think you’re going to get discovered one day while you “practice” on the Horsehoe, Guitar Guy. We wish you the best, but please close your door. Side note: This also applies to those who play drums. And if you play a brass instrument, please leave that at home with Mom and Dad or keep practice time in the School of Music basement.
3.) The Girl Whose Room Has Everything
While many of us consider ourselves lucky if we get one poster to stay stuck to the wall with that cruddy poster putty, this chick’s room looks like a layout from a Target advertisement. Everything from her polka dot bedspread to her towel/washcloth combo matches perfectly. She also has every gadget you could ever want to borrow: television, mini coffee pot, Brita water pitcher — she even has a desk lamp. Her walls are covered with handmade collages of all her favorite people, places and things, and a dry erase calendar board keeps her on track for functions and class assignments. In lieu of the typical college posters (yawn) she has opted for “real” art from the home décor section at Bed Bath & Beyond. Her parents even sprung for a nice shag rug and a little soap dispenser to keep by the sink. And yes, she does have her bed lofted with a futon underneath — because, like, what if she has a sleepover?
4.) The Guy Who Never Leaves His Room
This is the guy who walks down the hall leaving you and your dorm buddies in a frenzy of hushed whispers asking, “Who is that?” “Do you remember his name?” Unless you just happen to pass him on your walk to class, he is rarely, if at all, seen outside of his room. Even his own roommate isn’t quite sure of what to make of him. If you ever get the golden opportunity to sneak a peek inside his room, you’ll find it to be littered with empty Carolina Dining cups, empty Cheetos bags and a display of video games that would rival the selection at the nearest GameStop. His “get to know you” name tag on the front door remains untouched, leaving the question of what his favorite animal is, let alone his major; it’s all a part of the mystery. What will come as an even bigger shock will be seeing him at the Saloon next spring doing the Cupid Shuffle.
5.) The Girl/Guy Who Comes Home Drunk
Imagine you’re woken in the middle of the night by a sudden fire alarm. More annoyed than panicked, you silently file out of the door, still in your Hello Kitty bathrobe, grumbling to yourself about who’s to blame this time. Your gut instincts are right: It’s this person. Pulling a fire alarm is on the lighter side of this character’s indiscretions, as she has mistakenly wandered naked down the hall searching for the toilet, kicked the water fountain off the wall and ripped down all the bulletin board announcements — and that’s just this past week. The days of the week matter naught to this individual, as she takes full advantage of any daily Five Points special to quench her thirst. She’ll yell at you in broken slurs that her key isn’t working (you’ll politely remind her that elevators don’t take dorm room keys) and then call in a sub from Jimmy John’s, only to fall asleep five minutes before it gets there. This person is Honey Boo Boo in about 10 years and just as entertaining, so enjoy it while you can.