Winter break brings awkward reunions with distant family members, over-excited shoppers this season
It really is a magical time of year. Thousands upon thousands of twinkling lights are wrapped around every inanimate object from the bushes to the rooftop, and millions of dollars are funneled into a plethora of socks, Barbie dolls, stand mixers and hideous sweaters you’ll be returning promptly on Dec. 26. There are several people you’ll be seeing along your path to the perfect holiday, and it’s best to be prepared so these run-ins leave you feeling more spirited than Scrooge.
1. The Friend from High School (Who Won't Grow Up)
No matter how long it’s been since you last roamed your high school halls, we’re all familiar with that one kid who seems to have frozen both in time and maturity. When you ask where he’s living these days, he’ll tell you he’s “renting a room,” which is simply code for “my mother washes my laundry daily and makes a mean tuna casserole, so why would I leave home?” He’s still working his old high school job at Pizza Hut, having been promoted to assistant manager after six years of loyal service and only a minor incident where a customer accused him of spitting in her P’Zone. He still talks about how great the old days were, and he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care how much you roll your eyes every time he starts a story with “remember that time we ...” Chances are, in 30 years he’ll be the regional manager of Pizza Hut and still living in his parents’ basement — even though they passed away 10 years ago.
2. The Over-Enthusiastic Christmas Shopper
Want to know why there are so many tragic tales of people getting trampled on Black Friday? It’s because we take all of these Christmas-cracked-out people, stick them in confined spaces, dangle buy-one-get-one laptops in front of them and simply say, “Go.” You’ll most often see this person dashing through the mall at speeds even the Flash himself would admire, their new white tennis shoes sparkling in the sunlight and squeaking in time to the Christmas carols playing over the loudspeakers. As they make their way from Sears to Williams-Sonoma, their various personalized shopping bags dangling dangerously by their side, they often pause to haggle with kiosk vendors over product pricing, vehemently claiming Walmart had that same Crock-Pot $20 cheaper AND in more color choices.
3. The New Spouse Nobody Likes
Sure, your whole family put on smiling faces for the photographer when your cousin married this person over Thanksgiving weekend. Truth? Not one person in your family really likes her, though no one can really explain why. Maybe it’s the fact that she makes casserole with the crunchy onions on top instead of inside the dish. Or maybe it’s because she loudly commented that the Christmas tree was crooked and she hated how the ornaments don’t match. Maybe it’s that she doesn’t drink. Whatever the reason, you’ll more than likely hear your mother in the kitchen expressing her contempt on more than one occasion, with the comments tending to become more scathing as the festivities ramble on. The best thing to do is nod and agree, lest you become the next victim.
4. The Grouchy Store Employee
Unless you’ve got Frosty the Snowman sleeping in your bed and gingerbread in your cereal bowl, all of the ho ho ho’s and dancing sugarplums can get a little old. This is never more true than when it comes to people in retail. They’re subjected to numerous holiday decorations long before the first turkey is butchered for Thanksgiving, and Black Friday is only the kickoff day for a monthlong barrage of late hours, rude customers and the continuous folding and refolding of pocket tees on the display table. With each passing day, their smiles become a little dimmer and their calls of “Happy Holidays!” seem to be peppered with irony. We’re all just waiting for the day when one snaps, jumping on top of the register to rip down garland strands and sucker punch the speaker that’s been blasting “Jingle Bells” for two hours straight.
5. The Overbearing Parent
Fact: Almost all parents like dressing their kids up in matching holiday attire and plopping them on Santa’s lap or in a handmade sleigh to send out to family and friends along with the dreaded “how the Myers family is doing” newsletter. Another fact: This makes most kids want to A) cry or B) resent you for the rest of their lives. A giant, fat man with a big white beard dressed all in red can be scarring for any 5-year-old, whether it’s your daughter or your miniature Schnauzer. These parents are littered all throughout America’s malls, most commonly found standing next to the camera trying in vain to get little Timmy to stop screaming or picking his nose long enough to smile for the picture. Tip for parents: Bring bribery candy. And lots of it.