After you have awoken from your turkey stupor and emotionally recovered from your Black Friday manslaughtering, you will realize the most lucrative and "magical" time of the year is upon us: Christmas.
Now Christmas is generally considered a time for family and generally finding out what matters in life but in reality is just a ruse so Hollywood can release a deluge of films pandering to our goofy feelings. Pretty much every Hollywood studio waits for this time to release its ace in the hole or some hokey Christmas-y film for our viewing pleasure, hence the release of the highly anticipated "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and the less anticipated and more quizzical release of the new "Mission: Impossible." Most likely, a magnitude of people (including myself) will end up spending an inordinate amount of money to see whatever Hollywood has in store this holiday season, and that's all well and good, but I personally have some suggestions that most definitely optimize our enjoyment of this holiday season.
1. Let Michael Bay do the Nativity story.
This is pure cinema gold. Imagine the director of "Transformers" (2007) and "Bad Boys" (1995) taking a story more than 2,000 years in the making and adding an element it so desperately needed — explosions. And I am sure Bay could portray the three wise men with the delicate racial tact he is so widely known for. Not only would this be the first time this story hasn't put anyone to sleep, but we could enjoy the religious backlash that would come with Bay casting some busty unknown as the Virgin Mary.
2. Actually make a realistic family Christmas movie.
I realize "The Family Stone" (2005) flirted with this idea, but I'd rather watch my car be set on fire than see Sarah Jessica Parker masquerade around as if she is a sex symbol. The joke is old, Hollywood; just break the truth to her already. So many holiday movies are predicated on this plot outline: tension, explosion and then some excessively sappy "Kumbaya" moment. I'm not saying this scenario doesn't happen, but I am two Christmas breaks away from being completely written out of the will, and I haven't seen that happen on ABC Family once.
3. Get Arnold Schwarzenegger back into Christmas films.
It is widely accepted that "Jingle All the Way" (1996) was the best Christmas film ever made and nothing screams Christmas like having that beautiful Austrian voice warm our cold, materialistic hearts.
4. Stop saving Christmas.
Apparently Christmas has the autonomy of a 3-month-old baby, because during nearly every holiday season it's in dire need of being rescued. In fact, a gross majority of Christmas films are centered on this plot structure. However, I think it is safe to say Christmas is here to stay, regardless of the various villains who try to kill this abstract idea — the exception being the Grinch pre–heart enlargement because he played for keeps and took no prisoners.
These are just a few of my humble submissions that I feel would not only bring families together but more importantly eliminate a majority of my Christmas headaches. I realize people like Christmas just the way it is and feel that changing it would ruin the integrity of the season, but let's be honest, that happened when "Christmas with Kranks" (2004) was greenlit.