Seven steps for luxuriously lazy lifestyle
Don’t sweat your stains
A stain on your shirt doesn’t necessarily mean changing is in order. If the spill is smaller in diameter than a quarter, then no one will notice. If it is larger than a quarter and Tide-to-go, water and scraping it fail, then throw on a sweatshirt. Too hot for a sweatshirt? Turn your shirt inside out and pretend it’s one of those skate shirts with the intentionally frayed seams. When pants are stained, do absolutely nothing. Pants don’t get dirty and can be worn the entire semester without washing. Note: if the stain comes from inside the pants, then change immediately.
Style your hair by not styling it
If I’ve learned anything from my Media Arts class, it’s that some students spend countless hours and dollars running expensive products through their hair, all in the hopes of attaining that perfectly imperfect bed head look. But why bother? All you need is eight hours of sleep and a pillow. Skip the shower: grease is a natural gel. When it comes to shaving, a healthy dose of scruff never hurt anyone, except maybe the person you’re making out with.
Dental care on-the-go
You’ve overslept and now you don’t have time to brush your teeth before class. Simply rinse with mouthwash and, on the way to class, scrape your teeth with a fingernail. Pop a stick of Orbit in your mouth to finish the job. Don’t floss. No one can see in between your teeth anyway.
Old Spice it up
Soap is soap, but somewhere down the line, clever marketers tricked all of humanity into thinking we need a different kind of soap for everything. There’s a soap for dishes, a soap for hands, a soap for hair, a soap for clothes. Liquid soap, bar soap, foam soap — it’s all a scam. Buy a bottle of Old Spice Hair and Body wash and use it to clean everything. You can even put that stuff in your dishwasher.
Napkins are toilet paper
The average person will spend (probably) thousands of dollars on toilet paper over the course of a lifetime. Never again. Every time you go to a restaurant, load your pockets with napkins. Every time you order a pizza, request extra napkins. Soon enough, you’ll have a stockpile of free paper to clean up either end.
Ironing is for grandmas
Got a wrinkly shirt? Unless you’re trying to kill some time while waiting for your apple pie to cool or your grandchildren to call, don’t iron it. Simply wearing your shirt long enough will get rid of any pesky creases or folds.
Put off doing laundry
If you play your cards right, you can get through an entire semester without having to do laundry. If you wore a sweatshirt all day, feel free to wear the shirt underneath it the next day as well — no one saw it. When you work out, do so naked in your room to avoid getting clothes sweaty. Buy a pair of Sperry Top-Siders and eliminate the need to even wear socks (let alone try to pair them back up after washing). If you practice all these tips and still end up on your last pair of clean boxers, just remember that no one wore underwear in the sixties and they did some pretty revolutionary stuff. Let yourself breathe.