Taking a page from the Trump White House's book, the North Carolina state government is taking a new approach to heading off immigration through its southern border.
In a Wednesday speech to the North Carolina General Assembly, Gov. Roy Cooper (D) outlined a plan for a 50-foot high brick wall stretching along the North Carolina-South Carolina border from Cherokee County to the Outer Banks. As justification, Cooper mentioned Duke's March 19 loss to S. Carolina in the second round of the NCAA men's basketball tournament.
"Never again will Grayson Allen have to feel pain," Cooper said to a bipartisan standing ovation. "We're going to make North Carolina awesome for now. And South Carolina's gonna pay for it."
When asked how North Carolinians will be able to cross the border, Cooper mumbled something about "a handful of strategically-placed, really sturdy rope ladders."
Cooper did not reply when asked how his constituents will be able to re-enter their home state from the wall's southern side. Construction is scheduled to begin Saturday at halftime of UNC's Final Four game against Oregon.
In Columbia, reaction to Cooper's announcement has been mixed. While Gov. Henry McMaster (R) agreed to the need for a wall on the North Carolina border to keep out "the gas tax" and "people who never saw Zoolander," confusion has reigned over whether the state's General Fund is deep enough to cover wall-related expenses.
"They said we're going to pay for it," McMaster said. "So... I mean... I guess we have to pay for it. Right?"
After minutes of deliberation, McMaster flew to New York City for an emergency meeting with former state governor and current U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley. To reporters from The State, Haley said the meeting consisted fully of McMaster tossing a folder of documents related to the budget crunch onto her desk before saying, quote, “No givesies-backsies.” McMaster then sprinted from the room.
Haley ultimately left the matter to Clemson University head football coach Dabo Swinney. When asked what qualified Swinney for the job, Haley replied, “Count the rings.”
Swinney decided upon an immediate tuition hike for students at USC's main campus. Acting quickly, the USC Budget Office estimated tuition for the 2017-18 academic year at $3.4 million per student. Budget Office officials are in the process of writing financial aid plans for students who are not fully subsidized by Daddy's MasterCard, Inc.
"Lungs can get you a fortune on the streets of Russia," said Budget Office Director Harry Bell. "So will arms, legs. Any limb will do, really."
Speaking on behalf of the Charleston Post and Courier, sports reporter David Caraviello placed blame for the wall's lack of funding on Sports Illustrated for Kids and their "pesky" junior reporters.
"I'll say it again: SI for Kids reporter is cute and all but not a fan of off-topic question at 1 a.m. when beat writers are trying to pull gamers together," Caraviello said. "Wait, a wall? Yeah, that was probably the kid's fault, too."
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